for nothing is impossible...

This week, at our family therapy session, - which was hell by the way - I started thinking: "I can't do this. I am done.  The hurt and pain and needs of these boys goes way deeper than I can help with.  I knew things were going to be bad, but I did not picture it like this. What am I doing? I can't help them. This is impossible. We are not making any progress.  This was a poor decision."

After therapy, I took the boys to Wendy's to get some food and get out of the house because I thought I was going to lose it.  After eating, I decided we were just going to drive for awhile because I didn't know what else to do.  As I was driving, the Holy Spirit did a great deal of comforting and the boys were surprisingly quiet in the back seat.  God reminded me that he is with me and when he is with me, ALL THINGS are possible.  He works outside the realm of natural possibility - after all he is supernatural. He parts the red sea and makes people walk on dry land. He makes bread fall from the sky and water come from a rock.  He makes walls crumble after 7 laps and some trumpets sounding. He raises up an army from dry bones.  He stops the sun.  He calms the storm. He heals the sick. He raises the dead. He kills giants with stones and a sling. He feeds 5000 with a few loaves and fish. He has never broken a promise.  He died and rose again, showing that He has power over the worst in and around us. And he has told me that with Him and because of Him nothing will be impossible.

For nothing will be impossible with God. - Luke 1:37

    He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." - Matthew 17:20

Nothing is impossible with God.  He has so clearly brought me here, brought the boys here. I am just like the Israelites complaining to Moses that they want to go back to Egypt because they could not see or understand what God was doing.  I have forgotten that God is with me, leading me, and providing for me just when I need it.  Each day I need the reminder that nothing, NO single solitary thing, is impossible for God. He is working now in ways that I can't and may never see.  He is able. I am not gonna make it because I am strong or gifted with kids or because this is gonna get easier some day - but because He is with me and has got a hold of me! I need not be afraid of the impossible because the Creator of all things is with me. In the midst of fear, frustration, and exhaustion, I can and have to trust that my God is greater than all I know. I will probably need you to remind me though. :)

The song called God is Able by Hillsong has been on repeat as a much needed reminder this week...

God is Able  
He will never fail  
He is almighty God
Greater than all we seek  
Greater than all we ask  
He has done great things
 
Lifted up, He defeated the grave  
Raised to life, our God is able  
In His name, we overcome  
For the Lord, our God is able   
God is with us 

God is on our side  
He will make a way
Far above all we know  
Far above all we hope  
He has done great things
 
Lifted up, He defeated the grave 
Raised to life, our God is able  
In His name, we overcome  
For the Lord, our God is able
God is with us  

He will go before  
He will never leave us  
He will never leave us
God is for us  
He has open arms  
He will never fail us  
He will never fail us
 
Lifted up, He defeated the grave  
Raised to life, our God is able  
In His name, we overcome  
For the Lord, our God is able
 
Lifted up, He defeated the grave  
Raised to life, our God is able  
In His name, we overcome  
For the Lord, our God is able
 
For the Lord, our God is able 
For the Lord, our God is able

pity party of one...

With all the change and the challenges in the last 3 months, I caught myself throwing a party.  The kind of party you want everyone join you in, but it is the exact kind of party that no one wants join.  I think planning of this party started when the honeymoon period of all this change started to wear off.  The grace I was happy to extend was waning. It had been almost three months and it was still just as hard, or harder, than when this all began.  I was frustrated. I wanted things to be different.  My strength was wearing out and I feel like nothing was getting better.  I was planning my own pity party.  I started thinking of all the reasons to throw this party:

1. This was hardest thing I had ever done and I want it to be over, but there is no end date in sight.
2. We can't do things that normal families do.
3. I am going at this alone - no husband to help.
4. It is messy - physically and metaphorically (my house smells like boys and I don't know what I am doing half the time).
5. I am tired of people telling me that this is just how their kids act or they know how I feel.
6. My friends are still trying figure out how to help and be around so this feels quite lonely.
7. This is all quite different than I expected.

After I started throwing this miserable party that no one was attending, the Lord was good to come in correct some things.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 

- James 1:2-4

I don't think James is telling us to count the pain and suffering of our trial as joy. No I think he is telling us that the fact that we are enduring a trial is proof that God loves us.  He is crafting us to look more like him.  We can rest in knowing that this hardship, whether it is from obedience or disobedience, is to shape us to be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  I can take joy in the fact that when this is over or if this ever gets easier, I will look more like Jesus.

James also points out that our trials are of various kinds.  Everyone's trials are different.  They have to be because we are different.  I start feeling sorry for myself when I compare my trials to someone else's.  I start thinking that their's is easier or shorter or at least they have a husband to help, etc.  But this verse shows me that my trials are designed specifically for me. God has chosen them for me. They are my trials, given to me to make me look more like Christ. Each person is given different trials to make us perfect and complete - whether it is foster kids, an illness that may become terminal, an unexpected pregnancy, the death of a family member, the loss of a job, etc. The truth is, for me your trials may be easier or harder, but they wouldn't make me look more like Christ.  And my trials might be easier or harder for you to handle, but that is not what will make you look more like Christ.  He is glorified in our weakness, so of course our trials are going to bring out what is weakest in us, but this is for our good. Our trials are specifically chosen for us by our Creator who knows what is best for us, in order that we may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing and that He may get the glory for it.

Over the past week, as I have stopped feeling sorry for myself, stopped comparing, and started leaning in just a little more.  Things have gotten easier.  My circumstances have not changed - in fact this week a bunk bed ladder was thrown across a room - but my outlook has changed and a little bit of joy creeps in every now and then. I take joy knowing that I am not alone and that because of this one day I will look more like Jesus.

hanging in there...

This past week was the hardest week for us by far.  We had a court date that stirred up all kinds of anxiety and fear. I hate that as 11 and 14 year olds they have to worry about things like where they are going to live or how their parents are behaving or if they are going to see friends again.  All this fear and anxiety manifested in lots of anger, tantrums, and fighting - even in this momma!  I lost it one day and yelled at my youngest - which is never good, but it was heart breaking to watch him cower and cover his ears and respond in more fear - the exact opposite of what I was trying to accomplish.  We saw a lot of regression in behavior this week. But somehow, we have made it to the end of each day.  There is just enough grace for all three of us to make it.  We are hanging in there.

10,000 Reasons...

Many of you have been asking how we are doing.  To be honest I don't know how to answer that question.  We are doing well. Yes that it is true, but that implies that this is easy and things are great in our home.  This is far from the truth.  But if I give some statement going off of my feelings (tired, stressed, scatterbrained) or details of our day (tantrums, fighting, wetting, hitting, kicking,  etc), then you are going to think that I regret my decision or that things are awful.  This is also far from the truth.  We are making it.  That is about all I can say.   We make a few steps forward and in the same week or day, we may take 10 steps backward.  But hey, at least we made it a few steps forward.

How am I doing? I am weary, but somehow there is still enough energy and grace to make it through the day. Perhaps this is the closest I have been yet to being poured out like a drink offering.  How do I do it?  I don't .  When I do it, I lose my cool and yell in anger and frustration.  I start thinking about all the things I miss (like my friends and reading books) and I start throwing a pity party.  I really am painfully having to lean on and trust in the gospel.  I say painfully because although it is so good, it is so hard and painful.  I am now more than ever, thankful for a Savior who endured the horrors of the cross that I might know him.  I all too often forget that my salvation cost Jesus his life, why would I expect that loving these boys would cost anything less than mine.

This song has been on repeat this week. The Lord has used it to encourage me and remind me of his goodness.  And it is a good for me to remind me of all that I have to sing about.

"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)" 

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul Worship His holy name
Sing like never before O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing
Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore


Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name

Sing like never before O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name Jesus,
I'll worship Your holy name Lord,
I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name Jesus,
I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

a new normal...

sorry it has been almost 2 months since i last posted. the holiday season is always busy, but this year there was an extra special twist. i welcomed 2 foster boys to my home on december 16th, and my life radically changed. the easiest thing to do here to catch you all up, would be to post pictures, but alas, the rules of foster care do not allow me to. so you will just have to wait to see my handsome boys until you meet them. they are 11 and 14 - definitely outside of the age limit i had in mind, but the Lord has had different plans than mine from the beginning, so that shouldn't surprise me. i bet you are wondering, "so how's it going?" well the answer i typically give is "it going okay. we are adjusting." and that is the truth. there are days that are awful and there are days that are fun, but most of the time we are just okay. just enough grace and strength to make it through today. we are all adjusting. you see i am going through all of the new parent adjustments - going from being single and thinking about me to being single and caring for two kids. but i not only got 2 kids, i got 2 autonomous jr. high kids who have come from a really hard place. who came with opinions and experiences and just a different worldview. they have been completely uprooted and have had lots of new people involved in their lives telling them what to do. so it has been a delicate dance of establishing authority, figuring out how to connect, getting to know one another, and just adjusting. i was glad we had all of christmas break, but i was very thankful for a routine to start with school and basketball. i knew it would be hard to parent, so much repetitive teaching, so much to do, so little sleep, so much laundry, so little alone time, etc. enough of my friends are parents and i see enough parents in my job that those things were not as much of a shock. but i forgot to calculate how much i was going to have to unteach, reteach and teach. these boys have had someone else teaching them things for 11 and 14 years. i am working hard to figure out what they know, what they don't. correct what is wrong and catch them up on where they should be. and this applies to all areas of life - social, emotional, physical, and spiritual. the weight of this all hit me when i realized how little time i have with them, even if get to keep them. this weight coupled by 1 step forward of progress and 3 steps back some times was killing me. i have had to remind myself many times that jesus is the one who saves them, not me. and i think it is funny that i can trust jesus with saving the world, but not with saving my kids. the other hard adjustment is that we have so many people that have a say in how we do things in our house (case manager, case worker, CASA, their mom, therapist, psychiatrists, etc). i don't care for that very much and neither do the boys, but it is how the system work so it is what we have to do. i hope to post more, though i am sure my posting will be infrequent for awhile, to share what god is teaching me through all of this. sadly i will not be able to post pictures of the boys or our adventures, so you are just going to have to take my word for it.

foster license [update]...

i realize that i left the last foster blog in a cliff hanger.  just to update you all.  that one fell through. so i am open for new referrals. just waiting and trusting.

the number one question i keep getting asked is "how are you feeling?" i am feeling okay.  this is an emotional rollercoaster for sure and it is hard.  i knew it would be hard once i had a child in my home, but i did not expect this part of the process to be hard.  ignorance i guess. it is heart-wrenching to hear about the difficult situations that these kids are in and of course i want to help and save them from it.  but with each case i am forced to trust the sovereignty of god even more.  he is in control of all things and he knows the best way to care for each of these children. as much as i want to help,  have to remember that i am not the rescuer, He is.  and i have to trust his plan.

foster license...

well i finally finished everything for my foster care license (about a month ago actually - i am just a bit behind on the blogging). i am all ready to go. so now i will just wait for the right referral.  i am licensed for 2 kids 0-18, but i prefer 5-11, or at least school age.  and my preference would also be for just one at a time, but so far only one of my referrals has been for that.  so we will see what god does.

lots of people have been asking how i am feeling.  i feel nervous - the unknown is always nerveracking, but then again i have a sovereign god who has everything already worked out, so i just need to trust him. i feel ready. i feel like the kid on the sideline who is begging to get put in the game.  i feel like i am in a state of limbo.  all of my commitments come with a "unless i have kid then" clause.  i am not sure how to plan ahead.  i try and appreciate every morning that i can sleep in or have alone time. i try to think through how i will handle various situations all the time.  "how will i handle that?" "how will we talk about that?" i am constantly making lists in my mind of things that i might need to get or do once a child comes into my home.  i think i am as prepared as i can be, but i won't know until this thing actually starts. so i just wait, pray and trust the lord.

i have already had 3 referrals.  boy has that been an emotional rollercoster! when they call, my heart races.  they give me the info - which is somehow always surprising. i hang up the phone. pray. mass text. pace. ask friends for help thinking through each scenario. worry if i made the right decision. pray again. then call back and give them an answer. the first one i had to say no to, which was heart-wrenching.  the second, when i called back and said yes, they already had a family and say yes.  and the third, well i have said yes and i am just waiting.  there is a slight hangup with the CPU. if this one goes through, i will have not one but two girls in my home.  oh and one is 8 and the other is 16.  ya you read that right.  i never thought i would have a teenager, but something about this just feels right. i am making some adjustments and changes to my house to get ready for a teenager - like preparing the guest room - not sure she will be excited about the bunk beds.  :) we will see what happens in the next few days, my life could change drastically or i could just be adding another two girls to prayer list.

on a fun note, each time my agency calls me a special ringtone comes up.  this way i will always know that the call is urgent - though i am not sure if this makes things better or worse.  but when they call, the final countdown plays. :)  thursday, i was eating lunch with 8 of my friends at work and this ringtone went off and literally everyone stared at the phone - frozen.  i think i pushed them out the way so i could answer it.  it was funny.

the least of these...

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
(James 1:26-27)

    Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
    “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’
 Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
(Matthew 25:34-46)

you might think adoption is a trend these days.  with celebrities like angelina jolie making a statement, churches preaching this message and even movies like kung fu panda 2 addressing adoption, it seems to be what everyone is talking about these days.  but the reality is, adoption and caring for the orphan is not a new trend, it has been part of god's plan all along.  you see god knew that through the fall of man, relationships were going to be broken and people were going to be in need of help - orphans being one of these. so he told his church to take care of them. this is and always has been the church's job. just beccause it is resurfacing today, does not mean it is a trend.  it is god opening the eyes of his people to start doing the work he commanded them to (caring for orphans and widows is by no means all of the work - just some of it).

now i do no think that caring for the orphans means that everyone has to adopt.  everyone is not called to adopt - just like not everyone is called to go overseas.  BUT everyone is called to live on mission - be it here or over there.  the same applies for caring for the orphan.  you may not be called to adopt, but as a child of god, who has been adopted into his family, you are called to care for the orphan.

so what does this look like then?  how can you care for the orphan if you are not adopting?  here are some ways that people around me have been helping and are getting involved in orphan care.

• go to this website (it will break your heart beware) and pray over these children. these are children who are in the foster care system here in texas right now and they are legally free for adoption.  you can search by age, area, etc.  these are ready to be adopted, they just need a home. pray for them. pray that they will be adopted. pray that god will draw them unto himself.
• you can get certified to help those who are fostering.  to babysit for someone who is in fostercare, the state requires you meet some qualifications (TB test, background check, CPR). this is a HUGE help to those who are fostering, since not just anyone can babysit for them. you can also get certified for respite care or family support.  these certifications require some classes as well as things done to your home, but they allow you to keep a child in your care longer.  for example, when i am fostering a child and i need to go on a trip for work, i will need someone who is certified that can watch my child for the few days i am gone. i have a few friends around me that are already certified, but if you are interested in helping out, let me know.
• you can volunteer at a local children's home.  there are at least two that i know of here in austin - the texas baptist's children's home and helping hands home for children.  you can play with the kids, help them with homework, read them bedtime stories, etc.  simple things that go a long way.
• you can also pray about how to financially support those around you who are pursuing adoption, whether international, domestic or out of foster care. Sthe lord has done this with a few people in my life lately.  out of no where, he has led them to support me. i have been able to use their money to buy furniture for the kid's room as well as buy what i needed for my home inspections.
• you can sponsor children through world vision or compassion.  this is also a great opportunity to teach your children about caring for the orphan.

caring for the least of these is not an option - just like missions is not an option.  it just looks different for each person.  i know my list is not comprehensive by any means, so i would love to hear more ideas or ways that you and your family are caring for these little ones. leave a comment with other ideas for myself and for others.

what happens to foster kids after 18?....

here is another link about this. i could not figure out how to embed on my blog, but i recommend watching it.
foster kids to face tough times after age 18