[singleness] his sufficiency...

about 2 years ago, i wrote a series of posts on singleness.  i recently had a friend ask me about them and i looked them up to send to her, i re-read them all.  wondering if i still felt the same or if what i believed or thought back then was crazy.  as i read them again, i was encouraged.  encouraged to see where the lord has brought me and encouraged by the truths that i wrote about and needed to be reminded of again.

you can read all of the posts here.

as i was analyzing my thoughts, i started thinking if there was anything else i would add, anything else i had learned in the last 2 years that i could share.  and immediately, something came to mind.  i listened to a sermon this summer by beau hughes, one of the pastors at the village church, called nurturing contentment. 

one of the major take-aways has continued to stick with me.  we all know that marriage was created to be a picture of god's covenant love.  how a man leads his wife and how a woman submits and serves all show us different aspects of our god. the promise to love one another represents god's promise to never leave us. so what does singleness show?  am i just waiting until i am married to show christ? hughes said something in his sermon that has empowered the way i live my single life. "if marriage is to show god's covenant love, then singleness is to show his all sufficiency." 

most times, i do not live my single life as if god is all sufficient.  my life would be better, more complete, etc. if i was married.  my discontentment often says, that god is not sufficient. he is not enough.  this goes back to the heart idols (which i address in one of my previous posts on singleness). the older i get, the harder it is to be single for so many reasons, but i know that marriage is just as hard in different ways.  no matter what picture of christ i am called to display at this point, it is going to be challenging.  and my flesh and the enemy are going to always tell me that other one is better and i will always be prone to want what i do not have, rather than living out the calling that god has given me.  for now, my life is to show that christ is sufficient.  he takes care of all my needs. i can be single and be taken care of by jesus. i can (only with his help of course) show others that above all else, all i need in this life is jesus. 

of course i do not mean that if you are married you can't show that christ is sufficient or that if you are single you do not have opportunities to show god's covenant love to others, i am just saying that each of these stages are obvious and clear demonstrations to the world of who our god is.  it is no longer the norm to stay married regardless of your happiness.  and it is for sure not natural to stay a virgin as a single person.  but these very acts are pictures of who our god is.  

by the way, beau's sermon is geared toward single people, but his teaching points on contentment are good for anyone.  we all need to fight the lie that god is somehow holding out on us - its been a struggle in our family since the garden.  

singleness [part 4]: the fight...

continued from the post... singleness [part 3]: the deep rooted fears...

after i realized my deep rooted fears, i confessed them to the lord and to a couple close friends. i had never openly and with such rawness confessed my fears.  i actually never wanted to admit that i believed some of that. i was too busy trying to look like i have it together.  but the lord forced me to do it and once i did and i began processing,  i actually could truthfully admit that i would be okay being single for the rest of my life if that was the story the lord had written for me. and for the first time ever, i meant it and was actually at peace about it.  i believe that i can be single and not just get by in life, but that i can have life and have it abundantly.  abundant life is not dependent on marriage, contrary to what i have always thought.   if i end up being single for the rest of my life, i do not have to live a weird cat lady life and be miserable.  i still have the promise of abundant life in christ! 

and since i have begun to let go of my marriage idol, i have really begun to experience this abundant life. it is like a weight has been lifted.  i am not constantly analyzing things or having to worry about putting myself out there.  i don't have to worry about saying the exact right thing to get his attention.  i trust that if the lord has someone for me, he has written how it will come about and it does not depend on me doing everything right.  this has been a huge burden lifted!

so if i am content with being single, am i called to be single for the rest of my life?  maybe. but as i said in my first post on this matter, i have not discerned a direct call to be single from god for the rest of my life. he has not revealed that to me.   i still think guys are cute and would like to be married to one.  but through this journey, i have felt him calling me to be content with where he has me and quit lusting for something else. more than being content with being single, i have felt him calling me to be content with him. anything that i have to say "i love you lord, but i really need _______ to be happy and fulfilled," is an idol. be it marriage, money, kids, sex, a job, or whatever.  i have heard many women say that even once you are married, the lack of contentment does not go away, it just changes shape. it takes on the form of little humans or big houses.  so more than worrying about the semantics of being called to be single, i long to be content with my savior and my god. marriage, kids, a house, a job, etc none of them are the end all in life - MY LORD IS!

now, just because i have learned this, does not mean that being content in christ is not a fight. for me it is a daily fight. there are good days and bad days. i need people around me to point me to christ and to the truth. i cannot fight this battle alone.  i need people to remind me that christ and his glory are my end all in life and nothing else. in fact, i am going to need you to remind me when i am 38 and single or 48 and single that i have abundant life in christ and that i lack no good thing!  it is a fight to not try and find my contentment in anything here on earth. but the effort is worth the end, because everything else has left me wanting!

"oh, taste and see that the lord is good! blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! oh fear the lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! the young lions suffer want and hunger; but those tho seek the lord lack no good thing." psalm 34:8-10

 here are some of the practical things i do and boundaries i put in place to fight this discontentment:

• i make an effort to focus on the lord, his character, his goodness, his power, his control, etc.  i need to constantly be reminded of who he is.  then enemy likes to pull the eve trick on me and get me doubt or question. i have discovered that the key to abstaining from sin is not discipline or will power (though i am good at those).  the key is to keep learning about my glorious god.  the more i know about him, the more i learn that he truly is more satisfying than anything else.
• i spend a lot of time in the word, reading it and trying to memorize it. (well now that i admitted that, you can hold me accountable). everything here is fleeting and will pass away, but god's word will stand forever (1 peter).  the word is how god reveals himself to me so if i am trying to get to know him more, then i need to be in it. and it is very helpful to know it when the enemy comes lurking around.
• in addition to focusing on the lord, it has been helpful for me to abstain from some things.  i am so careful as to what  TV and movies i watch. most dramas and chick flicks make me long for husband.  most of them also paint a VERY unrealistic of what a relationship should be like. so i stick to comedies and action movies.  
• i also have to be careful to not let my thoughts wander. i am not sure if i am the only one, but i can look at a guy and in 5 seconds i have pictured our life together, wedding, house, kids and all. then i can dwell in that dream world forever and no one knows about.  i like to stay in that dream world, because it is what i want and it is seemingly better than the reality i live in.  but that is sin. that dream world is basically telling god, "what you have for me here is not good enough. i would rather be here." so i work hard to not let my mind wander.  if i catch it, i try to start praying or dwelling on scripture.  this is the hardest one to change because no one else knows when i am doing it.
• i also try to limit my time wandering around on facebook, checking up on any potential guys and their pictures and their life.  this is again a complete waste of time and only add fuel to my desire to be married.
• i also try and limit my conversations about guys. not because i want to be secretive, but because i do not need anyone's help to think about a guy. and when everyone starts talking about it or how cute he is, how much he loves jesus, etc. i am done.  i now justify my dream world by saying my friends think he is great too.
• i do my best to get out of the waiting mindset. it is SO easy for me to just get caught up in waiting until i get married.  my life does not begin with marriage. the lord has things for me to do now.  i need to look around and be vested in where he has me and quit waiting for this possible future

 so ya, there is my heart on singleness.  please feel free to add comments about how you fight discontentment in whatever you struggle with.  also, feel free to ask me how i am doing or if you catch me distracted, please point me to christ! i am going to need it.  i would be a fool to think that this battle is over.

singleness [part 3]: the deep rooted fears...

continued from the post... singleness [part 2]: the idol revealed...

as i have learned to trust the lord more, i finally became okay with examining why i was so afraid of being single.  there are two main fears that lie behind my inability to be content with singleness.

fear # 1: something is wrong with me
there has to be a reason i am not married, so something must be wrong with me.  perhaps i am just not ready or i am too independent. socially awkward. unattractive. too strong. you name it, it has crossed my mind.  this lie that something is wrong with me is self-imposed but fed quite regularly by the enemy and compounded with promised solutions in the world. some times it can be fed by those around me who treat me differently because i am not married and cannot understand their life.  sometimes, i feel like just a young kid waiting to grow up and be an adult.  my friends have all spun the wheel in the game of life successfully and i am still one pink peg in the station wagon waiting for my turn. to add even more doubt, there are others who love me but who feel sorry for me and want to know why i am not married.  i begin to ask that same question and my only answer is that something has got to be wrong with me. this of course is not true.

the correct answer to why i am not married is that god has not written this as part of my plan.  but that is too scary and out of my control because what if is never part of my story?????? so i will refuse to believe it and come up with tangible solutions that i can do something about.  but over the last few months the lord has been chipping away at this fear.  i had to admit it first and quit trying to fix it on my own.  he has shown me that in him, i lack no good thing!  that his spirit resides in me.  that though i have flaws and many things to work on, he is refining me.  that i am fully loved and accepted by him, not because he feels sorry for me, but because he has chosen me!  i am his beloved!!  and for the first time in my life, i found that more satisfying that the affirmation of another person. that i was normal, a sinner, but not some weird person beyond being loved. 

fear #2: i am missing something huge in life...
as i continued searching through my fears, i realized that i still held marriage as some magical end all in life.  that if i did not get married i was going to miss out on something so big that it would be detrimental to me and my life experience. that my desires would never be fulfilled and i would be in want for the rest of my single/miserable existence.  yes, of course i will miss out on certain experiences if i never get married (sex being number one on the list), but the lord has been faithful to show me that he will satisfy all of my desires, even physical desires.  i had heard this before, but i always thought the people that said it were weirdos. however, i have actually found it to be true.  when i trust in him, delight in him, and fear him, i will lack no good thing and he will indeed satisfy me.

the thing that makes this hard to believe is that he does not always satisfy my desires with what i want or in the way i want.  since things do not go down as i thought they would, i panic and fear that god will not come through and i will always be lacking something.  i forget the scriptures and the promises he has made to me in his word. i refuse to believe them because they are not coming true the way i want or in a way i can see.

so the root of this fear, is that i do not believe in my heart that the lord will take care of me and that he is indeed enough apart from his blessings. that he loves me, that he can satisfy my desires, etc. so rather than trusting, i hold onto this idea of marriage as the end all - half looking for god to satisfy my desires and half looking and hoping they will be satisfied in a man.  all of this is of course under the mask of delighting myself in the lord.

so how do i fight these fears?

to be continued...

singleness [part 2]: the idol revealed...

continued from the post ... singleness:how do i feel about it...


i have and serve a marriage idol.
i have held marriage as in idol in my life.  it is something that we are trained to want from the time we are young. i think it starts with disney. :) to be happy and to live a fulfilling life, you grow up and get married. this is how it works and this is the goal. for as long as i can remember, this has been on my radar. but as i have gotten older, rather than just hoping for it, i have found myself grasping for it.  questioning why the lord has not brought it to me yet and then rather than trusting him, i resort to my own solutions. "be more approachable." "dress this way." "be skinnier." "be funnier." "you are too picky." "put yourself out there more." etc. and when marriage didn't happen, i would just move on to the next solution becoming more and more enslaved to my idol.

now, because being discontent with god is a sin and because i wanted people to think i was fine, i would cover this idol with spiritual things and twist verses like:

"delight yourself in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." psalm 37:4

"to the unmarried and the widows i say that it is good for them to remain single as i am. but if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."  1 corinthians 7:8-9

i would try to make god into my genie or force him into letting me marry.  of course,  i completely believe that these verses are true, and i believe that my god wants to give me good things and bless me, but he was also quick to show me what was wrong with my motives.  if i am completely honest, most of the time, i am not delighting in the lord and who he is (like i was proclaiming).  rather i am delighting myself in the idea of godly marriage and using him to get it. though i would never admit it, my desire to be married exceeded my desire for the lord and i held marriage as the end all.  i would be happier or more fulfilled if only i had that. and that, my friends, is called idolatry. and as far as that verse about burning with passion, well the lord basically told me that through his spirit i have self-control, so i needed to quit making excuses.

i have faked being content with singleness many times.  there have been some times in life where i have been close, but i have never been able to fully let go and believe that i was going to be okay, until recently.  so to fake this contentment, i have explained it away.  i have made excuses for the lord keeping me single for quite some time. i would say things like, "i am so glad the lord has me single right now so i can do this ministry or these things.  i would not be able to if i was married." this is completely true, but i was just using them to cover my greatest fear. i did not really believe them and i was for sure not able to rejoice in the gift of singleness.  occasionally, i even allowed myself to think i was somehow better because i was single. i had to endure more than those that were married. i basically was just making a martyr of myself.

this has helped hold me over and at times i actually meant it, but the truth is, i was far from content. i found comfort in these spiritual excuses. i needed something to make myself feel better as my friends and women i walked with or even discipled got married and and started having kids.  but clearly this was not the answer to my problem.  though i have used these techniques for years, i finally gave in and started examining this great fear of mine.  why was i so terrified?

to be continued...

singleness: how do i feel about it...

"when thy blessings come i begin to idolize them, and set my affection on some beloved object." - a cry for deliverance from the valley of vision

so the more i talk about this adoption, the more i get the question, "so have you just resigned to be single?" or "so i guess you feel called to singleness?"  i have breezed over these questions with a quick "no" as if they are no big deal, but the real truth is that it has struck a chord with one of my greatest fears: being alone. the last few days i have actually taken time to write down and journal all of my thoughts and fears about this very subject.  and because i like to share what i learn, you as a blog world will get to read about it.  rather than one long post, i decided for the sake of your eyes to break it up into a series. 

called to singleness? or content with singleness?
i do not feel a specific call to singleness, at least not yet.  do i believe i would survive if i never got married? yes. do i desire to get married? oh yes! do i still analyze each guy i connect with to see if we could be a match?  yes (been doing this since like 6th grade).  i think i have always been afraid to admit that i was content being single or that i could be content being single.  there was this fear within me that as soon as i admitted that i was content or that i would be okay being single, god was going to say, "ah ha! finally i gotcha! single forever you shall remain and you will like it."  i know that this is not how god works, but i still had this fear.  if i was content, i mean really content, being single then he was going to make me stay single forever.

so i could never say that i was content with being single.  and in reality i don't think that until recently i have been.  being married is how i have always pictured my life. if i held the pen to write my life story, i would be 28, married and have at least one kid (preferably a little boy with blond curly hair named jakin)  not yet driving a mini van, but thinking about having a second kid.  however that is not my reality. my lord holds the pen to my story and in his plan and infinite wisdom, i am 28 and single, hoping to adopt on my own in the next year or so. and i think for the first time in my life, i am actually content with where i am. and i mean that.  how did i arrive at this place? the lord was tired of me kicking and screaming for something rather than him and so he began to show me what was in my heart.

to be continued...

respectable sins: anger... [part one]

bridges addresses anger in two chapters and acknowledges that he is only scratching the surface.  i really liked these two chapters. very convicting for me. anger is for sure one of the sins that i continually fall into and then sweep it under the rug or just dismiss it. so let's dive in.

"anger is a universal problem, prevalent in every culture, experienced by every generation. no one is isolated from its presence or immune from its poison. it permeates each person and spoils our most intimate relationships. anger is a given part of our fallen human fabric."

- uprooting anger by robert jones

bridges defines anger as "a strong feeling of displeasure, and usually of antagonism. [and]... it's often accompanied by sinful emotions, words, and actions hurtful to those who are are the objects of our anger"(121).

he pauses here to define righteous anger so that we can differentiate between sinful anger and righteous anger.

"righteous anger arises from an accurate perception of true evil - that is, as a violation of god's moral law. it focuses on god and his will, not on me and my will. second, righteous anger is always self-controlled. it never causes one to lose his temper or retaliate in some vengeful way"(122).

nine times out of ten, my anger is somehow about me and how i have been wronged. it is not because my lord is being defamed. and my lack of self-control is proof that it is sinful.

bridges then comes at us with a dagger and says:

"no one causes us to be angry. someone else's word or actions may become the occasion of our anger, but the cause lies deep within us - usually our pride, or selfishness, or desire to control" (122).

boom! i often play the blame game with anger.  i am so angry because so and so did this... when in reality, when so and so did such and such it made me look bad, embarrassed me, let me down, or hurt me.  bridges reminds us that we chose how we respond to someone's sinful actions towards us.  [1 peter 2:18-20]

so when we find ourselves angry, we need to stop and acknowledge and confess the sin.  we need to ask ourselves, why are we angry. what is the deeper issue here?  take time to examine what really made us angry and what would a gospel centered response look like? we need to remember how scripture teaches us to treat one another. [1 corinthians 13:4-8, ephesians 4:32] if we have expressed our anger toward someone, we need to seek their forgiveness.  i do not do this well. i just hope that it will just blow over and that they will know that i am not normally like that, or that they will not do that again to make me mad. lastly, bridges points out that we need to trust god and his sovereignty over everything, even the affairs of our daily lives. when we remember that god is in control of all and that he is all powerful, it makes it a tad easier to see the current situation as a way to make us more like christ in our response.

bridges takes a brief section of this chapter to point out that anger towards god is a sin. i think we can all think of a time when we were angry with god about something. sometimes it is something big and life changing but most times it is something that we do not understand and it begins subtly as questioning. then the questioning turns into a manipulation of proverbs 3:4-5 "god i need/deserve this and if you were real you would provide it."

a specific example of this in my life is singleness. i have wrestled with this a lot. "god, why have you not brought me someone? why do you say that it is not good for man to be alone, yet you have no one for me? you have given me this desire, you owe it to me to fulfill it." the lord finally humbled me and showed me that what i was essentially saying was, "your plan stinks. i don't trust it. i want to be married now, in fact i should have been a long time ago." after this humiliation, i had to remind myself that the lord withholds no good thing from me and that he is in complete control and knows what is best and will provide for all my needs. see what this anger revealed? thankfully after much wrestling, the lord has brought me to a place where i trust him with my future mate or future singleness.  he changed my view from wanting to live this life married to wanting to live this life for the kingdom, married or not.

so when you find yourself angry at god, and you will if you are human, we need to acknowledge it as sin and repent.  why is it sin? god is big enough to handle it right?  it is a sin because "it is a moral judgment, and in the case of god, it accuses him of wrongdoing" (127).  bridges is quick to say that the solution to this problem is not just stuffing away the feelings because we know they are wrong, but rather to focus on the heart issue: not trusting in god and his sovereignty and power. 

but what about the sin against us? what about how we were wronged? don't we have a right to be angry about that? i will let scripture answer that for us. matthew 18:15-35 ought to be convicting enough. this is a VERY convicting passage for me. i always want to look at how someone has wronged me and i forget how christ has forgiven me. that my wrongs meant he had to die for me.  bridges poses a great thought.

"do i believe that this difficult situation or this unjust treatment is under the sovereign control of god and that in his infinite wisdom and goodness he is using these difficult circumstances to conform me more ot the likeness of christ" (124). hebrews 12:4-11 romans 8:28

that is enough to read and think on for one blog post. i will write another that covers bridges second chapter on anger: the weeds of anger and how to deal with our anger.