a new normal...

sorry it has been almost 2 months since i last posted. the holiday season is always busy, but this year there was an extra special twist. i welcomed 2 foster boys to my home on december 16th, and my life radically changed. the easiest thing to do here to catch you all up, would be to post pictures, but alas, the rules of foster care do not allow me to. so you will just have to wait to see my handsome boys until you meet them. they are 11 and 14 - definitely outside of the age limit i had in mind, but the Lord has had different plans than mine from the beginning, so that shouldn't surprise me. i bet you are wondering, "so how's it going?" well the answer i typically give is "it going okay. we are adjusting." and that is the truth. there are days that are awful and there are days that are fun, but most of the time we are just okay. just enough grace and strength to make it through today. we are all adjusting. you see i am going through all of the new parent adjustments - going from being single and thinking about me to being single and caring for two kids. but i not only got 2 kids, i got 2 autonomous jr. high kids who have come from a really hard place. who came with opinions and experiences and just a different worldview. they have been completely uprooted and have had lots of new people involved in their lives telling them what to do. so it has been a delicate dance of establishing authority, figuring out how to connect, getting to know one another, and just adjusting. i was glad we had all of christmas break, but i was very thankful for a routine to start with school and basketball. i knew it would be hard to parent, so much repetitive teaching, so much to do, so little sleep, so much laundry, so little alone time, etc. enough of my friends are parents and i see enough parents in my job that those things were not as much of a shock. but i forgot to calculate how much i was going to have to unteach, reteach and teach. these boys have had someone else teaching them things for 11 and 14 years. i am working hard to figure out what they know, what they don't. correct what is wrong and catch them up on where they should be. and this applies to all areas of life - social, emotional, physical, and spiritual. the weight of this all hit me when i realized how little time i have with them, even if get to keep them. this weight coupled by 1 step forward of progress and 3 steps back some times was killing me. i have had to remind myself many times that jesus is the one who saves them, not me. and i think it is funny that i can trust jesus with saving the world, but not with saving my kids. the other hard adjustment is that we have so many people that have a say in how we do things in our house (case manager, case worker, CASA, their mom, therapist, psychiatrists, etc). i don't care for that very much and neither do the boys, but it is how the system work so it is what we have to do. i hope to post more, though i am sure my posting will be infrequent for awhile, to share what god is teaching me through all of this. sadly i will not be able to post pictures of the boys or our adventures, so you are just going to have to take my word for it.

[adoption] stew and kimberly's story...

here is a video about my friends stew and kimberly who are adopting from haiti.  its well worth your twelve minutes and you may want to have some tissues handy.


The Stewarts from Together for Adoption on Vimeo.

foster license [update]...

i realize that i left the last foster blog in a cliff hanger.  just to update you all.  that one fell through. so i am open for new referrals. just waiting and trusting.

the number one question i keep getting asked is "how are you feeling?" i am feeling okay.  this is an emotional rollercoaster for sure and it is hard.  i knew it would be hard once i had a child in my home, but i did not expect this part of the process to be hard.  ignorance i guess. it is heart-wrenching to hear about the difficult situations that these kids are in and of course i want to help and save them from it.  but with each case i am forced to trust the sovereignty of god even more.  he is in control of all things and he knows the best way to care for each of these children. as much as i want to help,  have to remember that i am not the rescuer, He is.  and i have to trust his plan.

foster license...

well i finally finished everything for my foster care license (about a month ago actually - i am just a bit behind on the blogging). i am all ready to go. so now i will just wait for the right referral.  i am licensed for 2 kids 0-18, but i prefer 5-11, or at least school age.  and my preference would also be for just one at a time, but so far only one of my referrals has been for that.  so we will see what god does.

lots of people have been asking how i am feeling.  i feel nervous - the unknown is always nerveracking, but then again i have a sovereign god who has everything already worked out, so i just need to trust him. i feel ready. i feel like the kid on the sideline who is begging to get put in the game.  i feel like i am in a state of limbo.  all of my commitments come with a "unless i have kid then" clause.  i am not sure how to plan ahead.  i try and appreciate every morning that i can sleep in or have alone time. i try to think through how i will handle various situations all the time.  "how will i handle that?" "how will we talk about that?" i am constantly making lists in my mind of things that i might need to get or do once a child comes into my home.  i think i am as prepared as i can be, but i won't know until this thing actually starts. so i just wait, pray and trust the lord.

i have already had 3 referrals.  boy has that been an emotional rollercoster! when they call, my heart races.  they give me the info - which is somehow always surprising. i hang up the phone. pray. mass text. pace. ask friends for help thinking through each scenario. worry if i made the right decision. pray again. then call back and give them an answer. the first one i had to say no to, which was heart-wrenching.  the second, when i called back and said yes, they already had a family and say yes.  and the third, well i have said yes and i am just waiting.  there is a slight hangup with the CPU. if this one goes through, i will have not one but two girls in my home.  oh and one is 8 and the other is 16.  ya you read that right.  i never thought i would have a teenager, but something about this just feels right. i am making some adjustments and changes to my house to get ready for a teenager - like preparing the guest room - not sure she will be excited about the bunk beds.  :) we will see what happens in the next few days, my life could change drastically or i could just be adding another two girls to prayer list.

on a fun note, each time my agency calls me a special ringtone comes up.  this way i will always know that the call is urgent - though i am not sure if this makes things better or worse.  but when they call, the final countdown plays. :)  thursday, i was eating lunch with 8 of my friends at work and this ringtone went off and literally everyone stared at the phone - frozen.  i think i pushed them out the way so i could answer it.  it was funny.

"i think i can license you next week..."

As I read those words on my computer screen on Thursday, I was flooded with all kinds of emotions. I think I am ready. After all the Lord planted this idea in my mind two years ago. I am excited to see what God is going to do. I am excited to see my child's face. I am excited to have the chance to teach them the gospel. I am excited to decorate their room with stuff they like. I am excited to give them gifts. Oh man I am excited!

Buuuuuuuut I am equally as nervous. Nervous about all the unknown. Nervous to know what my child is like. To know what has been done to them and not know how to help heal them. Nervous about doing this alone. Nervous about having enough money. Nervous about how I am going to balance work and parenting. Nervous about all the change that is about to happen. I don't really care for change.

But I know that faithful is he who called me and he will do it. He who did not spare his own son, will he not also with him graciously give us all things? God cares for this child more than I could. And those are the truths I am clinging to.

Needless to say my emotions are unpredictable right now. Somewhere between excited and nervous. So watch out...

the least of these...

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
(James 1:26-27)

    Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
    “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’
 Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
(Matthew 25:34-46)

you might think adoption is a trend these days.  with celebrities like angelina jolie making a statement, churches preaching this message and even movies like kung fu panda 2 addressing adoption, it seems to be what everyone is talking about these days.  but the reality is, adoption and caring for the orphan is not a new trend, it has been part of god's plan all along.  you see god knew that through the fall of man, relationships were going to be broken and people were going to be in need of help - orphans being one of these. so he told his church to take care of them. this is and always has been the church's job. just beccause it is resurfacing today, does not mean it is a trend.  it is god opening the eyes of his people to start doing the work he commanded them to (caring for orphans and widows is by no means all of the work - just some of it).

now i do no think that caring for the orphans means that everyone has to adopt.  everyone is not called to adopt - just like not everyone is called to go overseas.  BUT everyone is called to live on mission - be it here or over there.  the same applies for caring for the orphan.  you may not be called to adopt, but as a child of god, who has been adopted into his family, you are called to care for the orphan.

so what does this look like then?  how can you care for the orphan if you are not adopting?  here are some ways that people around me have been helping and are getting involved in orphan care.

• go to this website (it will break your heart beware) and pray over these children. these are children who are in the foster care system here in texas right now and they are legally free for adoption.  you can search by age, area, etc.  these are ready to be adopted, they just need a home. pray for them. pray that they will be adopted. pray that god will draw them unto himself.
• you can get certified to help those who are fostering.  to babysit for someone who is in fostercare, the state requires you meet some qualifications (TB test, background check, CPR). this is a HUGE help to those who are fostering, since not just anyone can babysit for them. you can also get certified for respite care or family support.  these certifications require some classes as well as things done to your home, but they allow you to keep a child in your care longer.  for example, when i am fostering a child and i need to go on a trip for work, i will need someone who is certified that can watch my child for the few days i am gone. i have a few friends around me that are already certified, but if you are interested in helping out, let me know.
• you can volunteer at a local children's home.  there are at least two that i know of here in austin - the texas baptist's children's home and helping hands home for children.  you can play with the kids, help them with homework, read them bedtime stories, etc.  simple things that go a long way.
• you can also pray about how to financially support those around you who are pursuing adoption, whether international, domestic or out of foster care. Sthe lord has done this with a few people in my life lately.  out of no where, he has led them to support me. i have been able to use their money to buy furniture for the kid's room as well as buy what i needed for my home inspections.
• you can sponsor children through world vision or compassion.  this is also a great opportunity to teach your children about caring for the orphan.

caring for the least of these is not an option - just like missions is not an option.  it just looks different for each person.  i know my list is not comprehensive by any means, so i would love to hear more ideas or ways that you and your family are caring for these little ones. leave a comment with other ideas for myself and for others.

latest adoption update...

i am getting so much closer to getting my foster license.  i only have my health inspection, fire inspections, TB test and evacuation plan left to do!  i cannot believe it.  my goal is to be licensed by august and i think that i am going to reach it, maybe even before. 

about 2 weeks ago i had the actual interview part of my homestudy. someone from my agency came out and did a walk through of my home and then sat down and asked me about all of the paperwork that i had previously filled out - clarifying what i said. this really was not as scary as i thought. i just felt a peace about it.

i have not received the bunk beds that i ordered yet, apparently they are on back order still.  i know how to choose the popular ones.  i bought a fire extinguisher and have covered every outlet with safety plugs.  i bought a key lock handle to put on one of my closets to lock up my medicines and cleaners, but still need to install it.  anyone want to help?  i also need a locking cabinet for the garage, so i can lock up my gasoline, wasp spray, ant killer and WD-40.  so much to do, but i really am so close!

thanks for your prayers and for your support! hopefully in about 2 months, my license will go active!

a new car...

before you read on, imagine that title being said bob barker style.  :) a few months ago i was given a new car.  well new to me.  as you may remember my car, lafonda the honda, died in my friend angela's driveway right before the 4th of july last year and god called me to trust that he would provide.  i think in the span from july until march, i was without a vehicle to drive for only about two weeks.  and during that time, i was able to catch rides from my roommates and friends.  i drove rav 4, a honda fit, a nissan xtera, and a honda accord much like my dear lafonda, but 4 door.  the couple who was letting me drive the honda accord took me to dinner one night at chick-fil-a and they totally surprised me with this box.

inside the box was the title and the paperwork to transfer the title into my name. i was in shock!  i could not believe it. so this beauty is mine!

back in july, god told me to trust him, to trust that he would provide a car for me.  i prayed for this. literally, while i was going through the book "a praying life" with some other women we all chose one big prayer request, and mine for a car. and now 9 months later, i have a car that runs well and with no payment!

preparing a place...

many of you have been asking about an adoption update, wondering where i am in the process. as i wrote before, i am out of debt and moved into my own rental house.  last week, i completed another huge step,  i turned in my homestudy paperwork and my homestudy interview will be in june hopefully (CRAZY!).  i hope to spend this month getting everything at the house ready and getting my inspections done.

as i was thinking about all of the work that i needed to do (buy furniture for the kid's room, buy fire extinguishers, lock up the medicine, cover the outlets, schedule inspections, get finger prints, etc) a scripture came to mind.

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

(John 14:1-3)

jesus is talking to his disciples here.  he has just told them that he is going to die and that this is the end of his time here on earth. he quickly goes into this encouragement. he tells them not to worry, to not let their hearts be troubled. that things are going to be hard and scary when he leaves. they would feel abandoned, they would be misunderstood, there would be  many unknowns, and they would even endure harsh and horrible circumstances.  but he encourages them that things will one day be better.  he is leaving, but he is going to prepare a place for them. a place in his father's house where all things will be right and where they will get to be with jesus forever and always.  he will not leave them again. but until then he has to go away and do some work, but he will return to get them and take them home.

i could not help but think about whatever child or children i end up helping with foster care and adoption.  they are out there right now, enduring some harsh and horrible circumstances, feeling abandoned and neglected, feeling unloved, fearing what will happen in the future, wondering when they are going to catch a break.  all the while i am over here working furiously to prepare a place, making sure that they have a warm bed, food to eat, a clean toothbrush, clean clothes, and cool pajamas. a place  that they can't even imagine or understand with a mama that is never going to leave them.  perhaps they have given up hope that a place like this even exists for them.  but it does, and one day when the time is right and the work is done, they will be home. i wish i could i hug them and whisper in their ear, "don't worry, i'm coming back for you! soon you will be in a better place. a much better place."

now my house is no heaven and i am no jesus, but what a beautiful picture of hope. what a reminder that my savior is working and getting things ready. he is coming back to get me to take me to a place of rest and worship which he has been preparing for me. i cannot wait to give this child a clean, safe, warm place to sleep. to give them a place where they feel loved and cared for rather than abandoned and alone.  and something tells me that my heavenly father has the same desire for me.

new house...

well today was another big step. today is march 1st and today i get to move into my new place. i won't actually start moving my stuff in until this weekend. but it is another big step. this move is a little different because i am not only moving to a new place, but i am preparing a place for a kid. once i am settled in, i will be able to continue doing my homestudy and hope to be licensed for foster care by july or august. i am sure i will post some pictures of the place soon.

while i'm gone...

so i went to my 4th foster/adoption class on thursday.  we are in the middle of our TBRI (trust based relational intervention) training, which is based off of karyn purvis' research and her book the connected child. this training has been really good, but i'd be lying if i didn't say it is also a bit overwhelming at times too.  how am i going to do this? how can i help a child?

on thursday we talked about working hard to connect with kids.  one of the things that you do is called matching.  everyone does this with their baby.  the baby makes a noise and you make the noise back. or you stick out your tongue and they stick out their tongue. this same type of behavior is what i will need to do to connect with whatever child i have in my home. i keep hearing people say, you will just have to get creative with older kids because you can't exactly coo at a grade school kid. i have been wondering how in the world i was going to do this.

well one of things that dr. purvis says to do is come up with some kind of catch phrase that you say and the child has a part that they say back to you.  i lit up!  i do this ALL the time with kids in kidstuff, with my friends' kids, and with my roomies.

with one of adrianne's boys i started a joke on vacation last year about pushing him in the water and so i say "i'm gonna push you in the water." and he replies back, "no, i push you in the water, baca."

with gus the bus, before i leave the house each day i say, "okay i gotta go, but while i'm gone don't (something funny here)..." and gus immediately, often before i can finish my sentance, starts to say, "i will. i will." its our routine.

with jamie's boys, we always arm wrestle. what started as a joke about being staci's friend is now our routine. our thing.

i always tease shanna's kids about being stinky or having a pink purse.  one of the girls in kidstuff is named becca and each time i see her, we hug and say "team becca." its expected. its what we do.

as i started thinking about all of these, it brought me great hope.  this is something i have always done cause i learned from my dad - the best at this.  another reminder that this is and has been all part of the lord's plan. he knew i'd need this ability before i was even existed and he gave me a father to teach me how. and he will now use this gift to help make sure my little one feels loved, safe and connected.  pretty cool i think...

adoption process update...

so, i have not talked about it on here in awhile, but i thought i'd give you an adoption process update.  here are the highlights.

• on january 10th, i will begin taking my foster to adopt classes with caring family network (CFN). the classes will take 5 weeks.
• i am almost out of debt. i will be 100% done with my ridiculous credit card debt on january 11th (or before if i make the payment before the due date out of excitement)
• i am going through "created to connect" (curriculum by michael and amy monroe based on karyn purvis' book the connected child) with a group of friends here in austin that have all adopted or are going to adopt.
• i won't be able to complete my homestudy until i move out of the engstroms house and into my own place. so at some point this spring (i am thinking late march) i will move out of their house and into a place of my own. i will have to find a place and for the first time ever i have to take schools into account.
• i am still driving borrowed cars,  but this year i will have to purchase a reliable 4-door car.  i am not sure exactly how this will go down.  i could afford a car payment, but would prefer not to have one, so i am still praying an thinking how that will go down.  but the lord has not failed to provide yet, so i am confident he will when the time comes.

so as you can see, this year is going to be one of a lot of change. i am curious to see what i will be writing about this time next year. thanks for your prayers and support.

chosen: marathon for adoption... check.

back in october, i ran my third half marathon. it was the chosen marathon for adoption.  it was the first year for this race, so it was fun, but it was not like the big city races.  the race route rural and was in new braunfels, pretty but with killer hills. however, the cause behind this race was huge.  money from this race goes to help families adopt.  we had a big crew from the austin stone run it as a team (about 40 i think) and a portion of all of our registration fees will go directly to the austin stone's adoption fund, which has already been used for grants and interest free loans to help families adopt. a pretty great reason to run.

this race was different for me for several reasons.  one, i had to start training in july.  i don't think i need to remind you that july in texas is life being on the face of the sun.  so it was hot.  too hot. i don't plan on training during that time ever again for as long as i live in texas.

two, i was crazy busy this fall.  and training for any race takes time.  you spend hours running. you have to watch what you eat and drink. you have to make sure you get enough sleep, etc.  all good things, but things that took a back burner to my schedule. needless to say, i was not as ready for this race as i would have liked. midway through the training, i gave up on finishing in under two hours. 

third, i have never run a race with so many people i knew before.  most of us had the same running shirt so we could spot one another.  this was helpful because there were not many people out on the course cheering us on.  in fact, the course was an out and back kind of course. so you got to see everyone running the race at some point.  it was great to cheer on each other (kind of like a biblical picture...)  i started thinking about it while running (since i had 2 hours to myself) and actually started crying at one point - not good when one is trying to breathe and run.

my roomies came out to cheer me on and they also happened to be the first people i saw when i crossed the finish line.  i might have cried again if i hadn't felt like i was going to puke.

GTB was excited to see me run and to wear my medal.  he wanted to race me after to show me his speed.

olivia painted the boys' chests.  as you can see, deuce loves me and donuts!

here are a few of the women i ran with. victory!

and after the race, i treated myself to relaxing at rachel's lake house. check out that sunset!

isaiah's story...

this video was shown this past weekend at the together for adoption conference. HOLY COW! it is beautiful and heart wrenching all at the same time. before you watch it, go get a tissue...

Isaiah's Story from 31Films on Vimeo.

in just a year...

the together for adoption conference starts today with the pre-conference sessions.  as i was driving home last night i started thinking about last year's conference in nashville. memories started flooding my mind.  my life already looks so different in just a year!

since last october (when i attended the together for adoption conference in nashville, tn) i have moved out of the house i was living in and in with some close friends so that i could pay off debt. my car died, i trusted the lord, sold it and have been borrowing cars ever since (never being without one when i need it). i am over halfway done paying off debt and should be done by the end of january!

where has the year gone?  it seems like yesterday that i read crazy love by francis chan and the lord put this idea in my heart. and then came all the fears and concerns. the selfishness that welled up in me, the fear that people would think i was crazy or foolish or lonely or whatever. but he gave me the strength to trust him. and last october i hopped in a toyota siena with one of my best friends in austin and caravaned with few other (now really close friends) to nashville for a conference where the course of life would be changed forever. where the way i pictured my future would change to something drastically different.

here is the blog post i wrote after the conference last year. who knows what this next year will hold.

i am excited to be a part of this conference again (here in my own city this time)! i am excited to learn more but i am also excited about what the lord is going to do in the hearts of those who come this weekend. i am sure there will be many like me whose hearts will be changed forever. please pray for this conference this weekend, that the lord will use this to rescue his children!

the cattle on a thousand hills...

The earth is the LORD's and the fullness thereof,

the world and those who dwell therein.

(Psalm 24:1 ESV)

For every beast of the forest is mine, 

the cattle on a thousand hills.

I know all the birds of the hills,

and all that moves in the field is mine.

(Psalm 50:10-11 ESV)

so i am carless.  after i sold lafonda, i had two cars lined up to borrow so i was set for a little bit.  the last car i was borrowing belonged to a friend of mine who was on a mission trip in the dominican republic.  she was returning saturday night and i was going to give her her car back at church on sunday.  i drove to church not sure how i was going to get home.  i was actually trying to figure out what i was going to when a parent and volunteer in kidstuff walked up to me and asked how i was doing.  he and his family had been out of town for quite some time and he wanted to catch up.  i told him about my car situation.  he then said, "well we have a third car that you can use indefinitely until you decide what you are going to do. after church, let's go by the house and you can pick up the car." i was floored!  WHAT?!?!?  the lord provided again! and just in time not a moment too soon and never leaving me wanting.  so i am scooting around in a honda fit these days and it is a constant reminder to me of the lord's provision.

during this time, i read the verses listed above and was reminded that the lord controls everything and that everything is his and he controls it all.  he is always able to provide what i need. i do not have to stress or worry about tomorrow.  he is already working and already has a plan.  i for sure could not have predicted that this is how it would have happened. i could not see any solution to my problem, but the lord already knew it.  he just wanted me to trust him.

and now, i can say that my trust and faith in him has grown immensely!  i feel like it is at an entirely different level.  i still have lots to learn and the anxiety in my life shows that i still do not trust him fully, but this experience has made me fall more and more in love with him.

i am probably going to need you guys to remind me of this provision again especially as adoption stuff draws closer.  remind me that my god owns the cattle on a thousand hills and will provide exactly what i need!

goodbye to lafonda my honda...

lafonda. there she sits. we had to part ways on july 1st when she died in my friend angela's driveway.  she had been giving me trouble, but i was hoping to make her last until next spring without paying for any major repairs.  this was my big prayer request in fact.  but alas, she did not make it and her story has been one that the lord has used to encourage my faith in him.

lafonda died and i had her towed to a mechanic.  he fixed her enough to get her started and then told me that her transmission was worthless.  i knew this was coming.  he said it was going to be about $1700 to fix.  i asked if i could call him back and let him know.  i immediately called my dad and some friends seeking advice.  everyone said, "don't sink any money into it." you see, i am going to need a 4 door more reliable car next summer for the adoption and it just does not make sense to spend money on this car when i will be getting rid of her so soon.  but i do not have the money to buy a new car and do not want to take out a loan since i am trying to get out of debt. so i was torn.

i sat on the couch and thought about it for awhile and decided that i did not have another option, i had to have a car, so i would just fix her up and trust the lord would provide the money i needed later for a car.  i called my mechanic back to tell him to just go ahead and fix it.  when he answered the phone before i could even get a word in, he asked if he could call me back because he had some customers.  i said sure.  well when he called back a few hours later, i missed his call. so it left me with the entire weekend to think about it.

i was in turmoil and fighting anxiety over this all weekend. sunday night as i walked into worship i was having trouble focusing and paying attention. so i sat down and just prayed, "lord please make it clear to me what you want for me to do.  i have no idea. i have not heard from you and i need to know soon." then the sermon started. i don't remember all that the sermon was about (i should probably go back and relisten) but i know the lord used it to tell me VERY clearly to not fix my car.  to just go pick her up and try to sell her for parts on craigslist or something.  i immediately started throwing all the questions at him. questions like, "how am i going to do this or get here? etc."

even though i heard very clearly, i still drug my feet and was still thinking about just getting her fixed.  i could not see a solution for a car if i did not fix her.  but then on wednesday, my mechanic called me and asked me what i wanted to do.  i was faced with a choice: obey the lord and trust him with all the unknowns or do what made logical sense to me and was a safer solution. 

i decided to not get her fixed.  as soon as i told my mechanic, he asked what i was going to do with her.  i told him i was going to try and sell her for parts.  "how much?" he asked.  caught off guard, i said, "what?" "how much do you want to sell her for?" i named my price and he told me he wanted to think about it and he would call me back. 

well, long story short, he ended up buy my car from me. i was shocked at how quickly i sold her.  i started thinking, "wow, i guess the lord really is going to take care of this." so i went and cleaned her out and gave up my title and said goodbye. and i am now carless... which is good and humiliating for me as a 29 year old, but i have much to learn about trusting our all powerful god.

chosen marathon for adoption...

so i am running another 1/2 marathon! it has been almost 2 years since my last one, so i was due.  but i am running this race because of the cause that it supports. all the proceeds from this race go to support families who are adopting.  a bunch of people from our church are running it and all of the money we raise go specifically into our church's adoption fund.  this fund is used for either non-interest loans or grants to help families adopt.  it has already been used to help some friends of mine bring home their newest addition, abraham.  so of course, i had to run this.

i do love training for a race. it gives me purpose to running. but this race is in october and this texas heat and humidity is killer!  it has been quite discouraging this time around. in order to avoid the killer heat, i have been getting up early to run before work.  that does not bode well for this night owl, but there is no other choice!

i started using an app on my iphone called micoach.  it helps you track your pace and tell you whether to slow down or speed up.  micoach has been the best motivation for me while i am running!  apparently i stink at keeping a consistent pace, but this has helped me out.  i HIGHLY recommend it!

i know it is a little late to start, but you should consider coming in town to run it too!  what a great cause for a run!

take my life, its all for thee...

this song has been on my heart all week.  words much easier said and sung than actually done.  the lord has been using a series of circumstances [which i hope to blog about at some point] to show me that i can sing these words without batting an eye, but there are a few things in my life that i am not so comfortable giving up.  take my life minus these few things...  i have had to remind myself this week that the lord is god and there is no other and he reigns and provides. no sacrifice to him is actually a sacrifice because by giving up things here, i am gaining something infinitely greater.

(i embeded the video just do you could give it a quick listen to. i did not know how to have the song play here otherwise.)




take my life and let it be consecrated lord, to thee.
take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise.
take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love.
take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.

take my voice and let me sing always, only for my king.
take my lips and let them be filled with messages from thee.
take my silver and my gold not a might would i withhold.
take my intellect and use every power as you choose.

::chorus::
here am I, all of me.
take my life, it's all for thee.

take my will and make it thine it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart it is thine own; it shall be thy royal throne.
take my love, my lord i pour at your feet its treasure store
take myself and i will be ever, only all for thee,
take myself and i will be ever, only all for thee.

here am i, all of me.
take my life, it's all for thee.

(take my life, tord take my life. take all of me)

here am I, all of me.
take my life, it's all for thee.

one year left...

as i have said before, i am officially in a new season of life.  in a year or so i plan to be all done with foster care classes and home-study and hopefully be adopting a child out of foster care.  for all intensive purposes i have a year to live life according to my schedule and however i feel.  most people don't get this long of a warning before a life change.  or if they do, it involves planning a wedding, so really, their life makes a pretty drastic change as soon as a ring is on their finger.  my life has undergone some changes for sure, but i still really have a lot of freedom, for one more year...

the other night as i was running, i began thinking about this.  my life will be drastically different over the next year or so.  i was asking myself, "how am i going to spend this next year?  what am i going to do with it?"  i had this thought a few months back and my answer was something to the effect of "living it up."  enjoying my freedom and my singleness.  stay out late, sleep in, eat out when i want and where i want and have all the fun.  spend time hanging out with all my single friends while i can.

but as the thought crossed my mind this week, my answer was a little different.  i started realizing that this next year will be the most free year i will have in a LONG time to live a life where my affections are not divided.  i can full on invest in eternal things without having to care for anyone but me.  i just started a new discipleship group.  i have a lot of stud leaders on my kidstuff lead team that i am investing in.  i work with lots of amazing women that i want to spend time with.  and for this next year, i can do that without worrying about helping my kid with their homework, or getting them to a practice, or finding someone to watch them, or being home in time to go to bed or to get up early for school. or, most importantly, investing in my kid and teaching them about christ.  i can give my money to people and things i want without thinking about what clothes my kid needs, or what doctor's appointments we need to get to, or whatever.  i even have the blessing of being able to spend long times alone with the lord, uninterrupted. a privilege that will be rare as a mother.

so sure for this next year, i can spend that time and money out having fun and i am sure i will still do that. but this week, i was convicted about how much freedom i wanted to waste on temporary things and on my pleasure.  my investments of time and money will soon be mainly invested in a little disciple that i will adopt.  i want ot take this next year to invest in the kingdom and those around me, undivided.  maybe i will actually use my singleness and life stage how the bible tells me i should.