for nothing is impossible...

This week, at our family therapy session, - which was hell by the way - I started thinking: "I can't do this. I am done.  The hurt and pain and needs of these boys goes way deeper than I can help with.  I knew things were going to be bad, but I did not picture it like this. What am I doing? I can't help them. This is impossible. We are not making any progress.  This was a poor decision."

After therapy, I took the boys to Wendy's to get some food and get out of the house because I thought I was going to lose it.  After eating, I decided we were just going to drive for awhile because I didn't know what else to do.  As I was driving, the Holy Spirit did a great deal of comforting and the boys were surprisingly quiet in the back seat.  God reminded me that he is with me and when he is with me, ALL THINGS are possible.  He works outside the realm of natural possibility - after all he is supernatural. He parts the red sea and makes people walk on dry land. He makes bread fall from the sky and water come from a rock.  He makes walls crumble after 7 laps and some trumpets sounding. He raises up an army from dry bones.  He stops the sun.  He calms the storm. He heals the sick. He raises the dead. He kills giants with stones and a sling. He feeds 5000 with a few loaves and fish. He has never broken a promise.  He died and rose again, showing that He has power over the worst in and around us. And he has told me that with Him and because of Him nothing will be impossible.

For nothing will be impossible with God. - Luke 1:37

    He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." - Matthew 17:20

Nothing is impossible with God.  He has so clearly brought me here, brought the boys here. I am just like the Israelites complaining to Moses that they want to go back to Egypt because they could not see or understand what God was doing.  I have forgotten that God is with me, leading me, and providing for me just when I need it.  Each day I need the reminder that nothing, NO single solitary thing, is impossible for God. He is working now in ways that I can't and may never see.  He is able. I am not gonna make it because I am strong or gifted with kids or because this is gonna get easier some day - but because He is with me and has got a hold of me! I need not be afraid of the impossible because the Creator of all things is with me. In the midst of fear, frustration, and exhaustion, I can and have to trust that my God is greater than all I know. I will probably need you to remind me though. :)

The song called God is Able by Hillsong has been on repeat as a much needed reminder this week...

God is Able  
He will never fail  
He is almighty God
Greater than all we seek  
Greater than all we ask  
He has done great things
 
Lifted up, He defeated the grave  
Raised to life, our God is able  
In His name, we overcome  
For the Lord, our God is able   
God is with us 

God is on our side  
He will make a way
Far above all we know  
Far above all we hope  
He has done great things
 
Lifted up, He defeated the grave 
Raised to life, our God is able  
In His name, we overcome  
For the Lord, our God is able
God is with us  

He will go before  
He will never leave us  
He will never leave us
God is for us  
He has open arms  
He will never fail us  
He will never fail us
 
Lifted up, He defeated the grave  
Raised to life, our God is able  
In His name, we overcome  
For the Lord, our God is able
 
Lifted up, He defeated the grave  
Raised to life, our God is able  
In His name, we overcome  
For the Lord, our God is able
 
For the Lord, our God is able 
For the Lord, our God is able

pity party of one...

With all the change and the challenges in the last 3 months, I caught myself throwing a party.  The kind of party you want everyone join you in, but it is the exact kind of party that no one wants join.  I think planning of this party started when the honeymoon period of all this change started to wear off.  The grace I was happy to extend was waning. It had been almost three months and it was still just as hard, or harder, than when this all began.  I was frustrated. I wanted things to be different.  My strength was wearing out and I feel like nothing was getting better.  I was planning my own pity party.  I started thinking of all the reasons to throw this party:

1. This was hardest thing I had ever done and I want it to be over, but there is no end date in sight.
2. We can't do things that normal families do.
3. I am going at this alone - no husband to help.
4. It is messy - physically and metaphorically (my house smells like boys and I don't know what I am doing half the time).
5. I am tired of people telling me that this is just how their kids act or they know how I feel.
6. My friends are still trying figure out how to help and be around so this feels quite lonely.
7. This is all quite different than I expected.

After I started throwing this miserable party that no one was attending, the Lord was good to come in correct some things.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 

- James 1:2-4

I don't think James is telling us to count the pain and suffering of our trial as joy. No I think he is telling us that the fact that we are enduring a trial is proof that God loves us.  He is crafting us to look more like him.  We can rest in knowing that this hardship, whether it is from obedience or disobedience, is to shape us to be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  I can take joy in the fact that when this is over or if this ever gets easier, I will look more like Jesus.

James also points out that our trials are of various kinds.  Everyone's trials are different.  They have to be because we are different.  I start feeling sorry for myself when I compare my trials to someone else's.  I start thinking that their's is easier or shorter or at least they have a husband to help, etc.  But this verse shows me that my trials are designed specifically for me. God has chosen them for me. They are my trials, given to me to make me look more like Christ. Each person is given different trials to make us perfect and complete - whether it is foster kids, an illness that may become terminal, an unexpected pregnancy, the death of a family member, the loss of a job, etc. The truth is, for me your trials may be easier or harder, but they wouldn't make me look more like Christ.  And my trials might be easier or harder for you to handle, but that is not what will make you look more like Christ.  He is glorified in our weakness, so of course our trials are going to bring out what is weakest in us, but this is for our good. Our trials are specifically chosen for us by our Creator who knows what is best for us, in order that we may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing and that He may get the glory for it.

Over the past week, as I have stopped feeling sorry for myself, stopped comparing, and started leaning in just a little more.  Things have gotten easier.  My circumstances have not changed - in fact this week a bunk bed ladder was thrown across a room - but my outlook has changed and a little bit of joy creeps in every now and then. I take joy knowing that I am not alone and that because of this one day I will look more like Jesus.

my job chart....

Chores are a part of growing up.  Helping out is being part of a family.  Parents want it and really kids need to learn how to help as part of their growing up. We started using a website called "My Job Chart" to help manage chores and allowance in our house. So far I love it!  I use it to manage the chores and jobs that the boys could get paid for (mowing the lawn, cleaning the car, pulling weeds, etc). In our house, you don't get paid for cleaning up after yourself (bedroom and bathroom) but for bigger jobs that are not specific to your mess. Since my boys need a lot of positive reinforcement, we also use it for that (wake up to your alarm, brush your teeth, read a book, etc).  But we also use it as a consequence. If they do not obey or if they provoke one another, they can lose points. 

The kids earn points for each job completed.  They have their own login and they are responsible for checking off their completed jobs.  Then once they start earning points they can start redeeming them for things.

You as the parent setup all the jobs/chores.  You can set their frequency and their value.  For example, I made each point worth ten cents.  I pay 100 points for mowing the lawn (ten bucks). I pay 2 points for getting up to your alarm without assistance (20 cents) - this has worked like a charm by the way. Since I started this, I have only had to go in once to get one of the boys up.

You also get to set the rewards.  The kids can save their points for money.  They can share them and give money to a non-profit.  And they can spend them.  You can create rewards for them to spend their points on like more computer time, an ice cream cone, extra alone time with a parent, etc.  Or you can put rewards on their from Amazon.com.  So when my boys ask for something video games, Bey Blades, Legos, etc.), we put it as a reward on their job chart.  Once they have the points, they can go in and redeem them.  You will then get an email saying what your child wants.  If it is a reward from Amazon, you can just click the link and order it. 

It is a really easy system and it has worked well for us far!  They even have an iPhone app (which is kind of lacking, but I am sure will improve).  The boys like it too. They like feeling responsible having their login and earning their own rewards.  I hope that they are also learning about working and saving.  But for the time being, I am loving having my yard mowed, car cleaned, and floors cleaned.

geocaching...

I am an outside kind of person so I am determined to help my boys love the outdoors too. From what I can gather, they have not had much of a chance to play outside.  So we have been trying to come up with fun creative outdoor activities.  One of my favorites is geocaching and my iPhone has made it so easy. 

Geocaching is like a treasure hunt.  Someone has planted a cache at certain coordinates and you have to find it.  You need a personal GPS or an iPhone to do it - most car GPS's are not specific enough.  Some caches are big and some are tiny.  We have found some that were the size of large bullets, film canisters, or old ammo boxes.  Most of them have logs that you sign and date.  Some of the larger caches have a trinket item for you to take as long as you leave something in its place.  Parks usually have several caches.  My boys really like this. I not only like it because we are outside and it is free, but because it helps them learn skills like reading a map and a compass.  It helps them explore and use their imaginations.  Some caches will have clues that you have to figure out that help you locate the cache. 

If you have an iPhone there is a free app called "Intro to Geocaching" that makes this super easy.  There is also a $10 version, but I am not sure what all it does.  But it is easy free fun with a little sense of adventure.  You should try it!

This cache is the biggest we have found so far.  It was a story cache, meaning that there was a small notebook inside the ammo box with a story in it.  Those who find the cache are supposed to add to the story.  My boys had little interest in writing more of the story, they wanted to find the next cache, so we just signed it and moved on.

This is one of the smaller caches we have found.  It is in my 14 year old's hand on the right.  On the left, my 11 year old has the log that was rolled up inside. 

trust the sunrise...

Since I get up so early these days, I get to see lots of sunrises. most days I am too grouchy to appreciate them, still mad that some morning person got to decide that the world would run on their schedule.  But sometimes they are a sweet reminder.  The Bible talks a lot about the sunrise, the dawn, and morning.

    “Behold, the days are coming, declares the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah, not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant that they broke, though I was their husband, declares the LORD. For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the LORD: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people. And no longer shall each one teach his neighbor and each his brother, saying, ‘Know the LORD,’ for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the LORD. For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.”
    Thus says the LORD,
    who gives the sun for light by day
        and the fixed order of the moon and the stars for light by night,
    who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar—
        the LORD of hosts is his name:
    “If this fixed order departs
        from before me, declares the LORD,
    then shall the offspring of Israel cease
        from being a nation before me forever.”
(Jeremiah 31:31-36)

Through Jeremiah, the Lord is telling the nation of Israel about the new covenant. He is promising to restore them, because at the time this was written, they are a broken and exiled nation.  He tells them that as long as the sun is coming up and the oceans are roaring, He is still on the throne. The fact that the sun rises every day is a reminder of this covenant.

The promise is the same for you and me too. All of the restoration of the new covenant has not come yet.  Part of it yes. Jesus has come, but there is more to come.  As long as that sun rises, it is a reminder that God is still keeping his end of the covenant. I am His.  He is still in control. He is still on his throne.  He is still working things out for the good.  He is still restoring what is broken.  He is still holding me up and holding me close, even if I cannot feel it.  No wonder my soul is in awe at the sunrise.  It's beauty is not just in its colors, but in its reminder.  I can trust the sunrise.  You see because as surely as the coming of the dawn each morning (Hosea 6:3), my Lord is returning.  He is working. He is faithful, just as the sun is faithful to rise.  And these days, I need any reminder I can get.

hanging in there...

This past week was the hardest week for us by far.  We had a court date that stirred up all kinds of anxiety and fear. I hate that as 11 and 14 year olds they have to worry about things like where they are going to live or how their parents are behaving or if they are going to see friends again.  All this fear and anxiety manifested in lots of anger, tantrums, and fighting - even in this momma!  I lost it one day and yelled at my youngest - which is never good, but it was heart breaking to watch him cower and cover his ears and respond in more fear - the exact opposite of what I was trying to accomplish.  We saw a lot of regression in behavior this week. But somehow, we have made it to the end of each day.  There is just enough grace for all three of us to make it.  We are hanging in there.

10,000 Reasons...

Many of you have been asking how we are doing.  To be honest I don't know how to answer that question.  We are doing well. Yes that it is true, but that implies that this is easy and things are great in our home.  This is far from the truth.  But if I give some statement going off of my feelings (tired, stressed, scatterbrained) or details of our day (tantrums, fighting, wetting, hitting, kicking,  etc), then you are going to think that I regret my decision or that things are awful.  This is also far from the truth.  We are making it.  That is about all I can say.   We make a few steps forward and in the same week or day, we may take 10 steps backward.  But hey, at least we made it a few steps forward.

How am I doing? I am weary, but somehow there is still enough energy and grace to make it through the day. Perhaps this is the closest I have been yet to being poured out like a drink offering.  How do I do it?  I don't .  When I do it, I lose my cool and yell in anger and frustration.  I start thinking about all the things I miss (like my friends and reading books) and I start throwing a pity party.  I really am painfully having to lean on and trust in the gospel.  I say painfully because although it is so good, it is so hard and painful.  I am now more than ever, thankful for a Savior who endured the horrors of the cross that I might know him.  I all too often forget that my salvation cost Jesus his life, why would I expect that loving these boys would cost anything less than mine.

This song has been on repeat this week. The Lord has used it to encourage me and remind me of his goodness.  And it is a good for me to remind me of all that I have to sing about.

"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)" 

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul Worship His holy name
Sing like never before O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing
Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore


Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name

Sing like never before O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name Jesus,
I'll worship Your holy name Lord,
I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name Jesus,
I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

a new normal...

sorry it has been almost 2 months since i last posted. the holiday season is always busy, but this year there was an extra special twist. i welcomed 2 foster boys to my home on december 16th, and my life radically changed. the easiest thing to do here to catch you all up, would be to post pictures, but alas, the rules of foster care do not allow me to. so you will just have to wait to see my handsome boys until you meet them. they are 11 and 14 - definitely outside of the age limit i had in mind, but the Lord has had different plans than mine from the beginning, so that shouldn't surprise me. i bet you are wondering, "so how's it going?" well the answer i typically give is "it going okay. we are adjusting." and that is the truth. there are days that are awful and there are days that are fun, but most of the time we are just okay. just enough grace and strength to make it through today. we are all adjusting. you see i am going through all of the new parent adjustments - going from being single and thinking about me to being single and caring for two kids. but i not only got 2 kids, i got 2 autonomous jr. high kids who have come from a really hard place. who came with opinions and experiences and just a different worldview. they have been completely uprooted and have had lots of new people involved in their lives telling them what to do. so it has been a delicate dance of establishing authority, figuring out how to connect, getting to know one another, and just adjusting. i was glad we had all of christmas break, but i was very thankful for a routine to start with school and basketball. i knew it would be hard to parent, so much repetitive teaching, so much to do, so little sleep, so much laundry, so little alone time, etc. enough of my friends are parents and i see enough parents in my job that those things were not as much of a shock. but i forgot to calculate how much i was going to have to unteach, reteach and teach. these boys have had someone else teaching them things for 11 and 14 years. i am working hard to figure out what they know, what they don't. correct what is wrong and catch them up on where they should be. and this applies to all areas of life - social, emotional, physical, and spiritual. the weight of this all hit me when i realized how little time i have with them, even if get to keep them. this weight coupled by 1 step forward of progress and 3 steps back some times was killing me. i have had to remind myself many times that jesus is the one who saves them, not me. and i think it is funny that i can trust jesus with saving the world, but not with saving my kids. the other hard adjustment is that we have so many people that have a say in how we do things in our house (case manager, case worker, CASA, their mom, therapist, psychiatrists, etc). i don't care for that very much and neither do the boys, but it is how the system work so it is what we have to do. i hope to post more, though i am sure my posting will be infrequent for awhile, to share what god is teaching me through all of this. sadly i will not be able to post pictures of the boys or our adventures, so you are just going to have to take my word for it.