[adoption] how i came to this conclusion...

so how did i come to this decision to pursue adoption? great question. it has been a process over the last few years. a couple years ago, i started thinking about adoption. i thought it would be cool and i thought it would be good for health reasons. it would be easier on my diabetic body and i would not have to worry about passing my diabetes on to my kids. but i always thought, i will cross that bridge when i get married.

well, several of my friends and co-workers have been talking about adoption, and i feel like i hear about it constantly. it was on my mind quite a bit. this past summer, i was reading crazy love by francis chan. in one of the chapters, francis poses the question, "what part of your life really requires you to live by faith?" i was totally convicted. even being on church staff, i realized that aside from being healed from my junk, there was not really any part of my life that i was desperately depending on the Lord for. i realized that when the lord does big things through people in the bible, it is always when they totally had to rely on the lord. so i started praying, asking the lord to reveal what needed to change in my life.

as i finished up the book, there is a chapter at the end where francis chan writes some stories about people who the lord has used to impact the kingdom. there was one story about a girl that moved to tanzania right after college and ended up adopting a baby... as a single woman. as soon as i heard this story, i felt the lord say that is what i want you to do. and i was like, "sure, i will adopt when i am married." then i felt him say, "no, i am not calling you wait, i am calling to you start this process now." i told the lord, "um, but i am still single." and he said back, "i know. i will take care of things." then there were a series of questions that i shot back at the lord (typical of my independent and controlling personality). i quietly submitted to the lord, but i was still really unsure.

i got home from the gym (where the lord and i had this conversation) and i had an email from a friend, inviting me to go to an adoption conference in tennessee. i freaked out! what? why would she send me that? i decided that night to go and see what this was all about and see what the lord was doing. no harm in going right?

so over the next several weeks, i prayed. i told a few friends and asked them join me in praying for this. everyday, my mind was flooded with a million questions. how could i adopt and work? when would i work out? is it right to adopt a kid into a single home? what would i do on the weekends or for vacation? what would i do with my kid on a sunday? (i mean i work like 14 hour days) where would i live? can i afford to live by myself? i really don't want to move again. how would i still invest in the lives of my kids at church, families at church and my volunteers if i have a kid? i would not have my evenings free anymore. can i do this? there were many more questions and every time i felt my mind reeling, i heard the lord say, "trust me." and every time doubt crept in, i had a conversation with someone that pointed me towards adoption or encouraged me to do so.

after weeks of praying, i still felt as if i was supposed to adopt and i began to feel led to adopt an elementary school age kid. so where do i go now? what do i do now? i was excited to get to the adoption conference and see. i will write about that in the next post.