a new normal...

sorry it has been almost 2 months since i last posted. the holiday season is always busy, but this year there was an extra special twist. i welcomed 2 foster boys to my home on december 16th, and my life radically changed. the easiest thing to do here to catch you all up, would be to post pictures, but alas, the rules of foster care do not allow me to. so you will just have to wait to see my handsome boys until you meet them. they are 11 and 14 - definitely outside of the age limit i had in mind, but the Lord has had different plans than mine from the beginning, so that shouldn't surprise me. i bet you are wondering, "so how's it going?" well the answer i typically give is "it going okay. we are adjusting." and that is the truth. there are days that are awful and there are days that are fun, but most of the time we are just okay. just enough grace and strength to make it through today. we are all adjusting. you see i am going through all of the new parent adjustments - going from being single and thinking about me to being single and caring for two kids. but i not only got 2 kids, i got 2 autonomous jr. high kids who have come from a really hard place. who came with opinions and experiences and just a different worldview. they have been completely uprooted and have had lots of new people involved in their lives telling them what to do. so it has been a delicate dance of establishing authority, figuring out how to connect, getting to know one another, and just adjusting. i was glad we had all of christmas break, but i was very thankful for a routine to start with school and basketball. i knew it would be hard to parent, so much repetitive teaching, so much to do, so little sleep, so much laundry, so little alone time, etc. enough of my friends are parents and i see enough parents in my job that those things were not as much of a shock. but i forgot to calculate how much i was going to have to unteach, reteach and teach. these boys have had someone else teaching them things for 11 and 14 years. i am working hard to figure out what they know, what they don't. correct what is wrong and catch them up on where they should be. and this applies to all areas of life - social, emotional, physical, and spiritual. the weight of this all hit me when i realized how little time i have with them, even if get to keep them. this weight coupled by 1 step forward of progress and 3 steps back some times was killing me. i have had to remind myself many times that jesus is the one who saves them, not me. and i think it is funny that i can trust jesus with saving the world, but not with saving my kids. the other hard adjustment is that we have so many people that have a say in how we do things in our house (case manager, case worker, CASA, their mom, therapist, psychiatrists, etc). i don't care for that very much and neither do the boys, but it is how the system work so it is what we have to do. i hope to post more, though i am sure my posting will be infrequent for awhile, to share what god is teaching me through all of this. sadly i will not be able to post pictures of the boys or our adventures, so you are just going to have to take my word for it.

[thoughts during advent] waiting...

"whoever does not know the austere blessedness of waiting - that is, or hopefully doing without - will never experience the full blessing of fulfillment."

- dietrich bonhoeffer

advent is about waiting.  we are waiting for christmas day.  we are preparing for this day. preparing our our homes, our food, our travel plans, our gifts, and our hearts. but waiting is something that we as a culture do not do well.  we want what want, when we want it, and we want it right now! our culture does not know what it means to wait, because our culture does not have hope beyond this present moment and these present shiny objects.  out culture has no promise to stand on for tomorrow. but as christians, we can wait.  we have hope in something beyond.  we can do without, because we know the Provider will always give what he promised. and we know that he always gives good things.

as believers in jesus, we are always in a state of advent.  much like israel was waiting for the babe in the manger, we are waiting for our king to return.  we do not have to give in to culture.  we can wait because we know that fulfillment in him will be the most joyous experience we will have.  so this christmas, as you wait and prepare, may you be reminded that as we struggle and endure, that we are hopefully waiting.  let the fact that god is in the manger be a reminder that he is good to deliver on his promise to return.

chosen marathon, DJ style...

on october 29th, i completed a full marathon.  and by completed, i mean i was out there the entire time because i was DJ-ing it.  yup, DJ LaRae, was the main stage DJ for a marathon. i had never done anything like it, so i was nervous, but it was fun a blast.  i ran this 1/2 marathon last year and knew that the likelihood of me running it again was slim since october proves to be a crazy busy month, but i still wanted to be a part of it.  so in a crazy chain of connections, i volunteered to DJ.

why volunteer? the organizer of this race, jenni lord, has made it so that all of the runner's registration fees go to help support adoption funds and orphanages.  yes, all of it.  so the race is paid for by sponsors and donations. so donating my time and skills was the least i could do. it was a blast! and i hope to be a part of it next year.  if you are looking for a race to run and looking for a one that supports a good cause, i highly recommend this one. you can look at more information on the race here: marathonforadoption.com.

you can also see the beginning of the race in this video i found on facebook.  i am hiding at my DJ table behind the race organizer, so you can't really see me, but you can hear what song i used to kick off the race that is actually what i was most stressed about.

i told my kids i ate all their halloween candy...

this video is hilarious. jimmy kimmel challenged parents to tease their kids and tell them that they ate all of their halloween candy and film their reaction. hilarious.



i am pretty sure i would feel the same way,  i just know more socially appropriate ways to respond.

all in...

 

"and he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. many rich people put in large sums.  and a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. and he called his disciples to him and said to them, “truly, i say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. for they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on." - mark 12:41-44 

now i am no expert poker player, but i have played a time or two and understand some of the basic concepts.  as you play your hand, you bet your chips and money based on what you think your probability of winning is.  i understand that at times, your bet is a bluff to try to get others to fold, but for the most part, your confidence in succeeding drives your bet amount.  there are times when a player   is fairly certain that they are going to win, so certain that they think it is worth it to bet all of their chips and go "all in."  once you go all in, if you lose, then you are out. game over. so it is quite risky.  in fact i am fairly certain that i would never go all in because i don't like losing, especially money. but that is beside the point.  to go all in means you believe that what you are going all in for is the best.

the widow in the above passage went all in. though she only had two small coins to give, she put in all she had to live on because she believed that jesus was worth going all in for.  jesus says she gave more than all the others because by giving all she had, she put more trust in jesus.

now that is risky. to give all that you have. to go all in.  now i would never say that i don't think jesus is worth going all in for, but if i look at my life, i still hold back.  perhaps i only give out of abundance so that i have a reserve to live off of that makes me feel secure - as if jesus can't provide for me.  or perhaps i only give part of my time because i need some me time, and going all in would mean i would have less of that.  perhaps what jesus is calling me to do is just too scary or seems to impossible. it will cost me too much.  the reality is, there are still parts of my heart that don't want to go all in and trust jesus because i am still unsure if he is worth it.