Tuesday, November 10, 2009
fight or flight...
i have not been in a physical fight since kindergarten, but i have wanted to be. the thought crosses my mind a lot. it does not usually involve an argument any more though. (thank you jesus for sanctifying me) it now involves wanting to defend those that i love or myself. for example, a few weeks back there was a really rough storm that blew through at like 5:00am. it made our screen door open and slam. my roommate rachel was already up for school (god bless her soul) and she thought someone was trying to break in. she freaked out and wanted to come wake me up because she was so scared. my response when i heard the door was, "who the heck is breaking in? they will pay for waking me up!" and i began to look for a weapon before i realized it was just the storm. had it been a person coming in, i think i would have charged at them with a bat, knife or something. no fear! no flight, just fight!
i also find myself wanting to defend my friends. sometimes it goes beyond defense to payback. a totally non-gospel centered response, but a frequent thought in my mind. i get to hear people's stories a lot (a great bonus to my job) and when hear about someone hurting someone else, be physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, my reaction is usually a thought along the lines of "if i ever see them i will punch them in the throat." as much as i hate conflict, this changes when you hurt someone i love. it is like my pwn incredible hulk expereince, minus the green and the muscles. if you hurt someone i love and i am not walking in the spirit, watch out!
the funny thing is that i have not been in a physical fight since that day at the bus stop, but in my fight or flight mode, i do not seem to care. i have no idea how i would do, but in my visions of granduer, i always seem to think i will win!i have realized that this is of course a gift and a weakness. my strength is that i will not cower and i will protect, but my weakness is anger and acting on my anger rather or wanting revenge rather than trusting the lord.
just a little random fact for you. no wonder i am always going around hitting and pushing people. i have not been in a good fight in like 24 years. want to fight?
post script: this need to fight may be traced back to the karate kid movies i saw as a kid. i wanted to be karate kid when i was a child. went as him one year for halloween even.