so i have been basically off for almost 2 weeks and let me tell you, it was just what i needed. i only had to get things ready for sunday at church but other than that i have been off. the first part of my break definitely involved physical rest. i was exhausted. sleeping in late each day, slowly becoming nocturnal (sleeping in then staying up late) but i could not seem to get enough sleep. then once i finally slowed down and got some sleep, the lord began rest my soul. this week, i have taken a good chunk of time to reflect, remember, pray and just be still.
day one, when i really took time to spend with the lord, i realized that i was irritated with him. i did not know this, but deep in my heart i was angry at him. as i spent time before him, i realized where it was stemming from. first, i have had a few big expenses come up that when they are all finished, will have set me back about $3000. i was angry because i wanted that $3000 to go to pay off my debt. rather than being able to see the lord's provision, i was angry that i did not get to spend the money the way i wanted.
the lord then revealed that the reason i was unable to be grateful for his provision was because i have a timeline in my head for my adoption process and these expenses set me back. i realized that i was worried about what others would think if it took longer for me to adopt because it took me longer to pay off debt. there is that fear of man problem that i have. i care more about my name and what people think about me than the lord and his glory. i want to prove that i can do it, forgetting that i am not doing it, he is! the lord was quick to remind me that this is his story not mine. that i do not get to hold the pen and write the story, not even the outline for it. my desire to be in control really did not like that either.
and then, he hit me with a zinger, the base of it is that i [again]do not trust him and think he is enough. i don't think he is going to come through. that is why i like to control things and i like other people to like them because it affrims my plan. and with my plan, i know what is going on and feel better. oh lord! help my unbelief!!!
after i spent some time journalling about this and talking to a friend about it, i was actually thankful. it was a good reminder that i still have much to learn.[me prideful? yet another reoccurring theme in my life] the lord sweetly reminded me that if i think i need to trust him now and release control, that the need will only be a million times worse when i am a mom. he used this to show me [remind me] that i need to be dependent on him and that he ALWAYS comes through to accomplish his story. i began to cry as i realized this, broken and thankful all at the same time.
i know the lord will accomplish his purposes, but it is still hard that my child is out there somewhere and i can't get this going because of my sin of poor finances. i just have to remind myself that this idea to adopt was not mine, but his and he has a plan, i just don't know it yet.