singleness: how do i feel about it...

"when thy blessings come i begin to idolize them, and set my affection on some beloved object." - a cry for deliverance from the valley of vision

so the more i talk about this adoption, the more i get the question, "so have you just resigned to be single?" or "so i guess you feel called to singleness?"  i have breezed over these questions with a quick "no" as if they are no big deal, but the real truth is that it has struck a chord with one of my greatest fears: being alone. the last few days i have actually taken time to write down and journal all of my thoughts and fears about this very subject.  and because i like to share what i learn, you as a blog world will get to read about it.  rather than one long post, i decided for the sake of your eyes to break it up into a series. 

called to singleness? or content with singleness?
i do not feel a specific call to singleness, at least not yet.  do i believe i would survive if i never got married? yes. do i desire to get married? oh yes! do i still analyze each guy i connect with to see if we could be a match?  yes (been doing this since like 6th grade).  i think i have always been afraid to admit that i was content being single or that i could be content being single.  there was this fear within me that as soon as i admitted that i was content or that i would be okay being single, god was going to say, "ah ha! finally i gotcha! single forever you shall remain and you will like it."  i know that this is not how god works, but i still had this fear.  if i was content, i mean really content, being single then he was going to make me stay single forever.

so i could never say that i was content with being single.  and in reality i don't think that until recently i have been.  being married is how i have always pictured my life. if i held the pen to write my life story, i would be 28, married and have at least one kid (preferably a little boy with blond curly hair named jakin)  not yet driving a mini van, but thinking about having a second kid.  however that is not my reality. my lord holds the pen to my story and in his plan and infinite wisdom, i am 28 and single, hoping to adopt on my own in the next year or so. and i think for the first time in my life, i am actually content with where i am. and i mean that.  how did i arrive at this place? the lord was tired of me kicking and screaming for something rather than him and so he began to show me what was in my heart.

to be continued...