i have always been one who is prone to be busy, on-the-go, non-stop, always moving, going 100 miles an hour, saying, "i'll sleep when i am dead." i know this is not good. and there are all kinds of reasons that i do it [savior complex, need for approval, working for the lord -but really working for my name, the need to control, poor time management, the inability to say no, etc]. i did not realize that i was in the midst of another martha spell until this break.
i knew something was up when the doc made a comment about my stress affecting my diabetes, but i didn't feel stressed. then she said, "well maybe you just have been functioning at that level for so long that you don't even realize it is stressful." i knew it was something worth looking into, but i had no time.
well, day two of my restful reflection time. i sat down to open up the word and just felt the lord calling me to just pray for awhile. so i did. or should i say, i tried, but i could not focus or wind down. so i picked up my trusty copy of the valley of vision and opened her up. the first prayer i came to was about prayer and so i started to read it and immediately started weeping. i was in a section of prayers all about prayer so i kept reading one after another.
i just heard the lord say loud and clear, "hey you are too busy! you are not connecting with me and you can't even sit and pray to me because your mind is in a million places. how can you run at this pace and do all of this without any thought of me, without relying on my wisdom, strength and protection?" so i put down the valley of vision and spent some time in quiet prayer and meditation, something i want to do more often, i need to do more often in 2010. it took me awhile to wind down, but it was sweet. then i felt the lord leading me to reread the practice of the presence of god.
when i read this book 6 months ago, i was super excited. how far i have drifted from that! i have been too tired and too busy to dwell on him and commune with him. rather than seeking every opportunity to be with him, i was almost intentionally tuning him out and ignoring him under the excuse of exhaustion and just needing to mentally check out. i have missed being still and knowing that he is god. meditating on his word and his greatness. claiming his truth and his promises. and just talking with him throughout my entire day. i have forgotten that there is a battle going on and that there is another team seeking to destroy us. i have not been fighting on my knees. no wonder i have been tired!! no wonder i have had trouble trusting him, wanting to control things, and being frustrated with him. i have missed him! i have only been doing enough to get by.
oh when will i learn and quit repeating these patterns. thank you lord for your grace and for waking me up out of this crazed stupor i have been living in! you are so good to me and i am ever grateful for you!