just ask me...

the other day in my time with the lord, i read in 1 samuel 1-2 about hannah praying for samuel.  as i read the story this time, hannah's weeping really stuck out to me.  she was grieving that fact that she did not have a child so much so that she when she was crying, the priest eli, thought she was drunk!  i mean that is some seriously weeping and praying.  as i read this, my proud, self-righteous heart, thought exactly this, "what a weak woman.  just trust that god is going to provide and know that if he does not, it is for the best. just get over it." then it kind of made me irritated that she got what she asked for. 

then the lord piped in. i felt him ask me, "why does this bother so much?"  
me: "because, she needs to just trust you and not throw her life away crying."
god: "yes, she does need to trust me. but maybe i put that desire on her heart to ask. maybe i had a plan to receive glory."
me: "okay. ya i guess you are right."
god: "i don't think that is the real issue here."
me: "huh, what?"
god: "why don't you ask me for what you really want?"
me: "what?!?! [panic setting in] i do. i pray and ask for help and i pray that you would move and change people's lives, and... [interrupted]"
god: "that is not what i am talking about. why don't you ask me for those things you want?"
me: "what things? [knowing exactly what he was talking about]"
god: "you know."
me: "oh, those things.  well you see, uh, i mean they are not a big deal. there are more important things to be praying for. and i do not want those to be a distraction."
god: "quit being a martyr and trying to be holy and just ask me. besides, remember i delight in giving good things to my children and what if i have laid those desires on your heart so that you will know me as your provider. just like hannah got to know me as" [read 1 samuel 2]
me: "okay. i will try."
god: "okay go ahead, write them down in your journal."
me: "what?!?! no, then i will have a record of them and what if they are foolish?"
god: "so what? i already know. quit trying to make even your journal look well put together and just ask me already."

so after about ten minutes of staring at my journal with my pen in my hand, i began to just ask him. ask him for things big and small. pleading with him for things i wanted, knowing that he may or may not give them to me, but he is good regardless.  realizing that i am hindering my ability to know him as provider and giver of good things if i do not ask. 

i am going to be honest, i felt silly at times and still do asking, but i also felt a new childlike freedom i had not felt before.  it was sweet.

And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”  Luke 11:9-13

really all of  luke 11 has been good for me to meditate on.  so has luke 18:1-8, the story of the persistent widow.  so why don't i ask him?  

• i am too prideful to ask for help, for gifts, etc.  asking is weak in my mind, so i am not going to ask and i am just going to accept my lot.  well this is just foolish.  i really stink at being dependent. 
• i fear he will say no and i will look like a fool or i will have wasted time.  i worry too much about whether i am asking for the right thing of not.  this shows that i still fear disappointing the lord. a fear that only the gospel can heal. i don't believe that asking can actually teach me more about him and his character.  

so, i am beginning a season of asking for what i want.  we will see what happens, but i can tell you, i already feel closer to my heavenly father.