just like when i was a kid, i still want to prove myself. though not exactly the same, there is still some satisfaction in accomplishing something on my own. proving to myself that i do need need anyone, making myself feel good and protecting myself from having to need someone and possibly having them fail me. and also, proving to everyone that i am worth their time,screaming "notice me and look at the cool things i can do and accomplish."
but i have been learning that this survival skill or protection method, that i have often disguised as things to be valued like strength and independence, has actually greatly hindered my walk with the lord. since i am self-reliant, i am not dependent. or at least not dependent on the right thing - god. so rather than praying and asking for help or just admitting my weakness before him or anyone, i pull myself up by my boot straps and make it happen. and rather than letting my community know my struggles and letting them in and letting them help, i pretend all is okay and i just carry my load on my own. disguising myself as a martyr, all the while dying inside. i have been realizing how much i have missed knowing him. knowing how he works, how he provides and how he protects. after all, i have been doing it for so long.
i need jesus to change my stubborn, "i do it myself" heart. i long to trust him and live by faith, but i will never get there so long as i keep taking care of myself, rather than entrusting myself to the care of the only one who can protect me. my sinful heart still calls him my savior, but does not like to let him in to do the saving work. i still want to do it. it is like my sin nature still wants to prove, even to god, that i do not need anyone.
"teach me that christ cannot be the way if i am the end,
that he cannot be redeemer if i am my own savior,
that there can be no true union with him while the creature has my heart,
that faith accepts him as redeemer and lord or not at all."
(an excerpt from "truth in jesus" from the valley of vision)